10.05.2005

Kings

All right, table--"Dani, I believe, table all RIGHT."

TWO: YOU DRINK

You got a job. Your hair looked really good the last time I saw you. You are in law school. You won an award. You got married. You made it there and back. You look fantastic! You hooked up with someone who's been chasing you for years. You made one of your dreams a reality (Dani, this is NOT sad). You are Maddox Jolie; you are so hot right now! You are good in bed. You left HRG. That was an excellent performance! You have a hangover. You are better looking than Fat Chandler. You are GOOD, you are HOLY. You read my mind. You are Jewish, Happy New Year!

THREE: I DRINK

La Bonne Soupe! Family cruise. Dinner with Mike. Road trip with Bob, Philadelphia's newest It Boys! Nico sing-a-long. Managed a project well at work. Loch Ness Pondster. MG danced with me at Jenny's wedding, very Swing Kids. Hari danced with me at Matt & Leslie's wedding. Weddings. JP. Long Island Iced Tea Night. Montaukin' to you. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Summer reading list. Bagel Mill. Boston.

FOUR: SOCIAL!

These days Whippany makes me feel defeated. Long Island was fun but thoughts always drift to family and friends absent. Life's happiness and life's sadness all rolled into one: a mental Wuzzle. New York can make you feel at the center of the universe or at the bottom of a hole. Up until this post-college (side note: doesn't sound dirty like pre-college) life there was always a sense of belonging. And now I'm a jellyfish bobbing up and down in a wave.

Spirits were totally lifted by September reunions. The Huntsman crew all under one roof, and one under a chuppah! Zaki Attacki! Penn Singers gossip. Erin and Samantha's party: for the first time in a long time, everything feels right. Cozy. Fall into it.

FIVE: BITCH ABOUT ADVERTISING

Today's topic: Esurance. First, a completely animated campaign for car insurance? Okay, most car insurance commercials suck because they don't have a lot to work with. They're corny, with that "it's not your best moment, but we care about you" attitude. But I trust a corny old man or testimonial-style State Farm moment more than a cartoon character. Furthermore, pink hair. The animated Esurance girl has pink hair. My brain says: you are so NOT in good hands with an insurance company whose front person is a pink-haired animated woman! (Even the Geico gecko interacts with humans.) Third, in the TV spot, the woman needs insurance because she needs to quickly hop into a getaway car and evade capture. Trust factor drops again: is Pink-Haired Girl good or evil? Where is she running to and why? Too many big questions for me to give her the benefit of the doubt. You know what type of people need quick getaways?!

Who is Esurance trying to attract with this story? My theory is that the intention is to emphasize the convenience of printing out a policy from the Internet and that this should appeal to young urban drivers "on the go." (Cartoon + pink hair + metrosexual insurance agent +online policy + fast fast fast!) To me, cartoon equals don't take seriously, pink hair equals ditto, what the fuck, and fast fast fast equals untrustworthy girl is probably a criminal; I don't want to be like a criminal so I will not use Esurance.

SIX: WHAT BWINGS US TOGETHEW TODAY

Could we be like them? Of course I've thought about that and in somewhere secret also considered that we'd have another go left, whose catalyst would be some profound inner change in me. But I haven't changed. But often I want to say bullshit to another relationship; I just want this one to work.

SEVEN: LIFE'S SADNESS

The rumor is true. Seven people sat, and when one drew a seven, the seven would go around and state something sad about life today. Cancer. Darfur. Nuclear holocaust. September 11th you wanted sadness I fucking gave you sadness. Dead puppies. Beaten puppies. Several present kept talking about puppies, and I didn't understand. Then Hurricane Katrina happened, and it seemed like everyone cared about puppies. So.

Being old enough to know better. Lying to your grandparents. Dying and no one noticing. The way these people ping-pong through an otherwise empty brain. It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change. Seeing photographs of old friends in cyberspace. Not speaking French. Weddings. Divorces. Sabotage. Blog.

Fuckin' Pink Floyd...

EIGHT: ANIMALS

Butterfly.

"A young woman was squatting on the lawn, holding out her left palm. Butterflies were settling on this surface while, with her right hand, she picked them up and put them in her mouth. Slowly, methodically, she breakfasted on the acquiescent wings.

"Her lips, cheeks, chin were heavily stained by the many different colours that had rubbed off the dying butterflies." --The Satanic Verses

NINE: CATEGORIES

Films co-starring Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Matthew Lillard.

TEN: THUMB RULE

JACK: BUST A RHYME

"Ennis ran full-throttle on all roads, whether fence mending or money spending..." --Brokeback Mountain

QUEEN: QUESTIONS

Can I get paid for bitching about advertising? Two races of short people? Should a whore count as an animal? When are you guys getting tested? When will the Weird NJ Marathon happen? Why didn't I get it? What's teak? What does his head look like? How does a lesbian sing? Does your fiancee work...in a donut shop? Where is the nearest Cracker Barrel?

KING: MAKE A RULE

Before addressing anyone, you must say his or her name.

ACE: SUIT YOURSELF