Dear 8 pound, 6 ounce baby Jesus, I opened my heart. My heart is OPEN. I couldn't help but wonder: what next?


Seasons of What

How do you measure a year?



The Rally

The vague sense that Things Are Going To Be Okay has been tugging at me today, but I think I'm just happy to get two days off. Nevertheless, I'm going to ride this mofo as long as possible. The Rally: if Tess of the d'Urbervilles can do it, so can I! (Let's not think about the end just yet.)

An open-ended question: what is a good synonym for "held your gaze?" That is so lame. I don't want to use it.



I have a potpourri of topics to discuss.

Halloween was maximized. There are pictures. Go to myspace or something.

Sudoku makes me anxious. For some reason, I had it in my head that people did these puzzles to relieve stress. I would say there is a certain mind-numbing quality to it, because you enter this mode where all you think about is numbers and boxes. However, it's difficult for me to exit that mode. Crosswords I can leave unfinished and come back to. But the Sudoku boxes are there and want to be filled with numbers and it's the same logic over and over and there's a whole adjacent page with blank spaces!!!

"If I lay here, If I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?" Okay, I love this song. It is beautiful. It is raw emotion. I am a sucker for songs involving driving or that you think would sound good while driving. The whole laying/forgetting the world is everything I wanted when I was 17 years old, and I still want it on some days. But now I think it would be better to find someone to BE in the world with rather than someone to escape it with. Do you know what I mean or not? Of course, this perspective is shaped by previous experience, and how I, like, have not been, like,all too successful at "being in the world" with the handful of people who have wanted just that from me.

I'm a slow learner. This may help inform next year's Halloween costume.

The final episode of Six Feet Under made me cry both times I watched it this week. I need this shit on DVD. It's my equivalent of Jen's death throes, or Roger Waters. Rest in peace.



My grandfather died. I want to write down stories. All I've been thinking about so far is how both my grandmother and grandfather cooked, and I thought that was so interesting. In our house, my dad always cooked. And Nana always cooked and Aunt Joanie always cooked. It was different to see a couple that cooked together.

Yesterday was a Huntsman alumni event and Corinne's birthday. At work, seventeen people asked me why I was wearing a tie...

Because I bought it this summer and love it and haven't worn it yet.

Because I'm going to an alumni event, and I get stuck with the feeling that I have something to prove to administrators and all those Penn professionals, and so if I wear this, maybe I look serious. And maybe friends will think I "look good," and maybe word will get around.

Because I'm going to a party, and sometimes dressing up makes me feel good about myself, and every little bit helps.

But: "be we in Paris or in Lansing, nothing matters when we're dancing."


Tri-State Trekking

Okay, before, we go any further, Thank the Lord my Internet is back!

The Knight of the Northeast Corridor rides again! With my trusty steed, Janine, and all manner of cab, train, and PAPmobile, I crisscrossed the metropolitan area last weekend.

Friday evening took me to the New Jerusalem to pick up the car. However, it would not be complete without Becky and I trying to do the dance to "Buttons" in the kitchen. This was merely a short stopover, and by that night I was back at HQ.

Sidenote: I need a catchy name for the apartment.

Saturday was a visit to another shrine of sorts (at least if you're from New York, or from my family), Yankee Stadium. I met some of Jenn's crew, including Rich's daughter, who asked me over the course of the day what my favorite color was, what my favorite number was, what my second favorite number was, if I knew where "Rebecca" was sitting, if Jenn and I saw each other at recess in elementary school, if I was sad that the Red Sox won, if I loved my sisters, whose birthday party was I going to, did I want to go, and whether before the game I was excited to meet her or "not that much." I can be pretty engaging in conversation if someone is asking all the questions. It forces me to answer them. So I had an excellent time despite the loss.

There was no sleep in Brooklyn. We brought sexy back and spatula-ed it all over the roof for hours. I mean we danced until the morning.

Sidenote: Albert,whoever you are, thank you for the phrase "wank bank." Needless to say, you've earned a spot on my dance card.

That left Sunday to commune with nature in Connecticut (remind me to tell you about my eye doctor, sometime, though) and reacquaint ourselves with Brian K. He wears his shirt more frequently now, and it's a good thing because there were aggressive mosquitos.

And they all lived happily ever after for a week.


GQ's Recipe for Clive Owen

That is so gay. Although I would like to know some more details on how this study was conducted, yay for Penn!

On top of Karaoke On Demand, there is Exercise On Demand. Lauren and I rocked out to Urban Beat 1, which sucked, but Jab Kick 3 is hot!

Andrew Corsello mixes up a Clive Owen:

4 parts rage (chilled to frozen)
5 parts melancholy
1 part languour
2 parts sensitivity
1 part sublimated class rersentment
26 parts sexual allure/menace/perversion
Worm (optional)

Drink up.


Overheard at the Brain Drain

"There are sober kids in India. You have to finish your beer!"


Soul Invasion


Not only did I get to hear one of my Favorite Songs Ever ("Great Gig in the Sky") live, I heard ALL of Dark Side of the Moon, plus a bunch of Wall tunes, plus Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun, PLUS Sheep, PLUS Wish You Were Here!

How much is linked to this music. (Dani's soul, the past, etc.)



Raina is a good date.

Feel very alive today.


Wouldn't It Be Nice?

The high school crush that attends your party wants to sleep with you. The strange, young, straight analyst crazy dancer wants to sleep with you. The friend whose voicemail makes your day is waiting to sleep with you. The friend who writes you on the same day you finally contact him feels a divine connection, and he totally wants to have your babies.

Fantasy World.


Shakira, Justin, and Shirley

I never really knew that she could dance like this
It's so easy
She make a man want to speak Spanish
to fall in
Como se llama (si),
to fall back
bonita (si),
mi casa,
su casa

Apparently I'm screwed in the event of a zombie attack, because my colleagues have not admitted me into their brigade. Realistically, we're all okay with this, because we will most likely be separated by the East River when all hell breaks loose, so I should be prepared to fend for myself. This is why I am hitting the gym.

Let the (zombie) bodies hit the floor.

Justin Timberlake, you've done it again. Master the pop.

Life Shirley is good = wine + fire + roy rogers + JBR & tabloids + memory.


Project Runway Will Bring Us Together

Nicknames I Have at Work
1. B Dog
2. B Mac
3. BBMak
4. Brian Bad Manners. This rhymes with my name if you're a crazy Brit.
5. Brian McMadness

So, back when I saw Ralph Fiennes in "Faith Healer," I came away empty-handed. That is, he did not stare up into the balcony, fall in love with me, switch orientations, and meet me outside the stage door. You win some, you lose some. BUT, now, when we next meet, I at least have my pickup line ready: "You like Project Runway?I like Project Runway!!"

He's a favorite for discussion.

From: Co
Sent: Monday, August 14, 2006 11:05 AM
To: Brian
Subject: RE: Labor Day

When I first read that, I thought it said hot tub instead of bathtub, which confused me since I didn't think hot tubs were around in the WWII era. But now it makes sense. And makes me feel sad.

(But to clear things up, I think you'd be most happy because you're in a bathtub with Ralph, but least happy because he's straight.)

-----Original Message-----
From: Brian
Sent: Monday, August 14, 2006 10:02 AM
To: Co
Subject: RE: Labor Day

In the English Patient there is a scene where Ralph asks Kristin Scott Thomas, "When were you most happy?" And she says, "Now." Then he asks, "When were you least happy?" "Now." I appreciate this sentiment more and more. Then again, if I were in a bathtub with Ralph I don't know what there would be to complain about.


Paste Special

I just made a file titled "stalkerish." Because I copied and pasted things that you wrote in 1997 into notepad, and didn't know what else to call it.

And I would have like to have known you, but I was just a kid. No, the Elton John song really in my head this week is "Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters" because Almost Famous was on.

Now that's entertainment. I heard a delightful rumor that Oxygen On Demand has karaoke. I don't think Oxygen On Demand is included in my TV service, but this should be investigated, much like my state of preparedness for a zombie attack.

I resent my parents when they remind me that they're mortal: choking on bread at the dinner table, going in for surgeries, falling on their ass out of a broken deck chair...

The weather report for Sunday: "ANOTHER STUNNER!"


Dear Michael

Dear Michael,

Is that you, sunshine? At the Museum of Natural History? It's difficult to tell because your profile is set to "private." And I've only met you a handful of times, but I do feel we shared a moment up on Samantha's roof that night(didn't we?), so I'm taking the liberty of writing you.

Of course, not having access to your Myspace profile, I cannot confirm the deed for which I intend to reprimand you. Mike, why do you persist in advertising yourself as "Single" when you are, in fact, "In a Relationship"? Your girlfriend is upset. It must ruffle her feathers to know that you log in, let's say on average every 24-48 hours, and you routinely neglect this critical piece of information! People are watching, Michael.

Man, aren't these social networks a trip? This week my roommate learned of a childhood friend's death through farewell wishes posted as comments on the girl's Myspace and Facebook pages. When I go, I want my online extensions to go with me. Because Samantha is an attentive observer, I am assigning her the responsibility of removing my Myspace in the event of my death. Promise me, Michael.

So, what else is new? Were you affected by the power outages? Have you met Rufio?

Things are rolling over here with me. I find myself getting irritated every morning by all the PEOPLE on my commute. Then the voice in my head gets bitchy and difficult to argue with. "If you don't like all the people, get out of New York." And I think I will one day, Mike. But then I feel the pull, and hear the Frank...what do you think: if you can make it here can you make it anywhere?

Best regards,




Bonstance and the nation are another year older, but no major advancements in fireworks have occurred versus year ago. In 2016, we believe the smiley-faces will all face up. Until then, we'll watch those sparklies,spermies,weeping willows,and green cubes. We never miss a chance to party on the roof.

Never miss a chance to party with the rich.

Never miss a chance to party in Shirley, bitches! Took the HRG crew out there. Plastic orange bowls, psychadelic wallpaper, and now fire! QT with Wurtz Wurtz. More dear hearts wake up to the strains of Jewel's "Foolish Games."

LM on the new relationship: "He's not an actor. He's not confessing his love for me after the first date, and he's not threatening to kill himself if I leave."

More on relationships: "He looks dumb, but he's so smart!" Or something like that. I chuckled.

This weekend I dreamt of Paulo Coelho. The logical derivation is Portugal being in the World Cup. Where is Jean-Paul these days?

Everyone loves Italian soccer players.

WEIRD NJ Marathon this weekend!!! I plan to document our expedition. Hannah, if you read this, please note that is three fucking exclamation points in a row. That's about as enthusiastic as I get with my clothes on.



Week in Review

Honoring one friendship feels like the betrayal of another.

Wurtz Wurtz visits work. G5 Summit re: Bermuda.

Vodka + Orangina = Vodkagina. V'gina for short. Mmmmm.

Rejection as tequila shot: it's always the last one that does you in?

Sue called! Douche in Vermont is on the up & up.

Jenny Does Boston.

My parents tell the story of what each of us were like when we were first born. I cried and screamed all the time. My gut reaction, every time, is to mentally evaluate whether I've changed at all since then. It is an inside joke with myself, but you know what they say about jokes and Truth...don't ask me, I'm bad at sayings.

Why to hold onto every letter/postcard/ticket stub: "You make me write bad checks." Still love it.


Old & New

A subtle difference between old office and new office can be illustrated by the inevitable circumstance of two employees showing up to work in similar outfits. At the old office, this would prompt people to joke that the two had planned to arrive wearing the same blue & khaki/gray & black combination, and then Courtney or I would suggest the matched pair dance together. At the new office, I joke that I had planned it, that I had called my match that morning to discuss. The response I get is, "Dude, you're scaring me."

This is sad. I have my work cut out for me.

The increasing use of "dude" at ridiculous moments does not go unnoticed.

It would be good to go to the beach this weekend. It helps me to think quietly if there is an ocean in the picture. No concern I have matters next to the enormity of an ocean. This is where I prefer to stare into space.

Let's see what happens.

Stupid dog.


All in the Timing

My timing's off, dude.


California, Love

Fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly...
Mothers of America
keep your kids away from us!
(The Wit and Wisdom of Whippanong? Sounds like a movie about retards.)
they won't hate you
they won't criticize you they won't know
they may even be grateful to you
for their missed sexual experience
Bob was paying marked attention to Julie. I was up the river, dealing poorly.

California, Hari comes.

California Dreamin': whether you're leaving, or lying, or fucking someone else, our state will accommodate every fake-a-new-life-for-yourself need. Only remember, the business of breaking hearts is transcontinental. Whaddya say, Erin, are we down in the trenches yet?

Kennedy said, "Northeastern girls are less attractive but more opinionated." A contradiction in terms? You wish they all could be California?

I like big buts and I cannot lie.

And so it came to pass that they gathered on a sunny lawn, in May, on an island no less! Wedding bells and string quartets and the Prince,l'homme-lion, told them a story they knew but had forgotten for many, many years: Tu deviens responsable pour toujours de ce que tu as apprivoisé. Tu es responsable de ta rose...

Flip back a few chapters, friend.

"Of course I love you," the flower said to him. "It is my fault that you have not known it all the while. That is of no importance. But you—— you have been just as foolish as I. Try to be happy...Let the glass globe be. I don't want it any more."


Then It's Okay

Better today. I'm trying to be thankful. Trying to avoid making myself and my compatriots miserable. On the lookout for bright sides, silver linings, cliches of all ages.

If we're going to be angry, be angry about this:

"As you all know, I don't believe in discriminating against anybody but when it comes to traditional marriage, I draw the line."
--Senator Orrin Hatch

Push it.



"It's important to brush your teeth, to follow your normal bedtime routine. Even when you're in hell. Especially when you're in hell." --Francine Prose

All I have is angry.


Scrap Paper

Cinco de mayo, my!

"Oh, how I miss substituting the conclusion to confrontation with a kiss."

(Raina made me a good CD.)

New job.


Metaphor Us
You are The Wall to my Dark Side.
Or vice versa?

No, Dani's barbecue should be called Bowers Ball!

I also really like the sound of: "For my mind misgives some consequence yet hanging in the stars..."

All right, the day's a'wastin'. On, lusty gentlemen.



The Brian in Winter: I don't want to be backwards induced away at all, but if I'm forced to, there's a better way to go.