Talking With The Stars

Dear Diary, last night was different. I dreamt of having sex with Shakira instead of with my friends.

Justin dropped by. There was no food. We fell into middle of the couch. (One of the back cushions on our secondhand Ikea seems oversized, and it pushes you into the crevice where the cushions meet by default.) He whispered, directly into my ear,"I defy you to deny me."

"I can't. I can't." My eyes were closed.

"This just can't be summer love, you'll see."

Beyoncé and I met at the Whippany Diner.

Brian: I love that "to the left, to the left" shit.

Beyoncé: Oh, thank you.

Brian: But I'm holding back from entirely embracing this song,B,because I can't relate to it. I mean, do you really find these relationships replaceable? Did you read The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, and he says Phlox was a world,"with her own flora and physics,atmosphere and birds"? "She is a world I gained and lost." What about Jay-Z?

Beyoncé: If we're talking about relationships, then answer me: how do you expect a relationship born from lies ("It's about 10 minutes"/"I'm on my way") to survive?

Brian: Um, cuz papi's a rider, and I'm a roller, put us together, HOW THEY GON'STOP BOTH US?!

Beyoncé: Loser.

She sipped her tea. I finished my scratch-off.

Previously, on the slowest elevator in Midtown...

WC: Thank God it's almost the weekend.

Brian: Definitely!

WC: Did you..........go outside?

Brian: Yeah. I thought it was going to snow, but it hasn't yet.

Terrible, Terrible.



OK, Here it is. Your choice, it's simple. Her or me. And I'm sure she's really great. But Ralph...I love you. In a really, really big...pretend to like your taste in music... let you eat the last piece of cheesecake... hold a radio over my head outside your bedroom window... unfortunate way that makes me hate you...love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me.