1. Log out more.

2. Care more.


Throwback Tuesday

Merry Christmas!


(Fortunately, not both of these comments were directed at me. But this is verbatim.)

"You never had to work there, you little shit! Look at that tree, how beautiful!"


We Went to Downingtown

Popcorn Tin
For the Win!

Tales Around the World

When we were kids, someone gave Becky Britannica Presents: Sleeping Beauty - Tales Around the World.  It was narrated by Pat Morita.  Tomorrow's chorus concert reminds me of it.



"Brian inherited your way of opening bags. Like they were invaded by the Russian Army."   --Dad

JP uses scissors to neatly open bags of potato chips and cereal.  I, like my mom and her mom before her, have a tendency to tear things apart.

Blog Silence

It's been a while.  I feel like there is enormous pressure to say something humorous/eloquent/memorable/meaningful to account for my absence, but I will only disappoint you.



I missed another train to New Jersey.  I waited out the hour at Lucy's.  I overheard a woman say that whenever she hears the sirens of an ambulance, she imagines there's a pregnant woman inside. The ambulance is racing to bring a baby into the world.  This is better to think about than other options.

Since then I've adopted this stranger's vision.



What Is Nostalgia Good For?

So many things tickled me about that article, but mostly "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes".

I don't know why Sex on Campus focuses on Penn, but ugggggggggggghhhhh.  “Ten years from now, no one will remember — I will not remember — who I have slept with,” A. said. “But I will remember, like, my transcript, because it’s still there. I will remember what I did. I will remember my accomplishments and places my name is hung on campus.”  Not that I agree with Ms. Susan Patton, either.

"i am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me. those seem to be the two choices." --John Green and David Levithan, Will Grayson, Will Grayson




I fidgeted, waited, and watched SCOTUSblog.  Everyone filed past on the way to our weekly meeting.  I went in late.  I stayed and watched and clapped alone and stood up and cried some happy tears.

At night I went to Marie's Crisis.



I was so angry with you the night before.  But then we were watching T.V., and I asked jokingly, "What if that happened to us?"
"What if we ended up in an alternate reality, and when we got back you were married to someone else?"
"Then I'd find you again."


The Longest Day of the Year

Today could not have been the longest day of the year when there were so many longer ones this week. Yes, I will have the Best Piña Colada Ever because I am susceptible to both piña coladas and advertising.  It is the First of Summer.

When I’m sitting at the bar I don’t know where to look.  The bar is narrow, and when the bartender works the shaker it feels an imposition to watch. This guy here: let’s call him Elegantly Eating Oysters.  A woman outside knocks on the door of a parked tour bus.

I didn’t want to go home because the night was beautiful, but the boroughs seemed far away.

I stare into the drink now that I have a focal point, and I think of another drink. Morir Soñando, how I read about a bar serving them in The Village Voice, and how it sounded like they would taste like creamsicle.  How Erin and I set off in search of ours.  Even though the blurb gave the translation, when the bartender asked us, “Do you guys know what it means?” we pretended we did not.  To die dreaming. How we stood in the street after we drank, deciding. “We could go this way, and it could be fun. But we could go this way…and it could be dangerous!”

Morir soñando is my cellar door. I reserve the right to use morir soñando in everything I write ever. I reserve the right to belabor the point. I reserve the right to dream of dying dreaming.

Don’t do that, barman. Don’t reach over the bar for garnish, because then your shirt lifts above your jeans, and then I add in the band-aid on your cheek that I had questions about. I already didn’t know where to look.

Undiscussed pleasure: the city is big enough to feel lost when you want to.


Night and Day and Night

Last night:

I glimpsed the driver's call history when I stepped from the cab.  A few recent calls from a friend, followed by 

This morning:

"Good, and you?" I said.
"I'm doing well," she said. "God woke me up today."


A handful of guys sang "Home" on a mostly empty subway car.



In 1998 I came out to a handful of friends.  It was early April, so early in the month that when Mike called in response to my e-mail he first asked whether I was playing an April Fool’s joke.  The thought had not crossed your mind.  I may have come out on April 1st but refuse to believe that looking back now because of how ridiculous it seems.

In October I visited colleges with my parents.  That month Matthew Shepard was beaten, tortured, and tied to a fence in Wyoming.  During our visit to the University of Michigan, a flag was flying at half-mast.  Another parent on the campus tour asked the guide why.  The guide didn't know, and in my head I assigned it to Matthew.  The cover of Time Magazine announced “The War Over Gays” against a small picture of the boy and a large image of the fence.


A Step Back

Blue because I was wearing a blue shirt.

Mindfulness question: how important is the emphasis on the present moment?  What if you are thinking about college, and then you are thinking about even before the first weekend, you might start with your expectations (when I go to college,everything will be different...), and then you start thinking about what exactly you thought would be different, and that makes you think about how you thought you would go to college and "come out", and that makes me you think about how you first came out to a handful of people in 1998, and that reminds you that during the intervening period blue was also what you were feeling, but surely days weren't all bad because that's also when you remember falling in love every five minutes, but that may not be the best description of what boils down to a list of unusual moments in interactions with straight friends, and maybe the best word to describe that time is: waiting.

So if that life chapter is summarized by waiting and the past few nights has been swatting at memories, then when exactly am I "living in the moment and awakening to experience"?


Where to Begin

I went back to Philadelphia for my college reunion earlier this month.

I remember the ice breaker during my first weekend.  The residents of Kings Court 3rd floor sat in a circle in the English House dining hall and said our names with a descriptor of the same initial.  When your turn came, you had to repeat all the preceding names.  Radiant Raina.  Socialist Shawn.  Harmless Hari.  Rippling-Muscles Ro.  Bitter Adam.  Blue Brian.


Sunday Night

Flipping through Netflix, deciding what to watch.

B: "Buffy, Safety Not Guaranteed, Game of Thrones, or a gay movie."

J: "Game of Thrones or a gay movie."

B: "Those are really diff--"

(both gasp)



Open Letter

Dear Writer(s) of Fast and the Furious (series) Wikipedia page,

Well, thanks. Now I want to see all of these movies.





Did I pull the knot of us undone?


The Fault in Our Stars

I got swept up in this book.  Just loved the main characters.  Teenagers with a sense of humor in love.



It is spent working, but it is sunny and bright in New York City and there is such a thing on earth as a ukulele orchestra!


Poem in Your Pocket Day 2013

Looking for this year's poem started a few weeks ago, when I was flipping through books to start considering my options. There's a great passage from "What I Ate Where" in Dinners & Nightmares which was a strong initial contender.  Then I stopped playing Temple Run and started "spinning" in the mobile app.  This led me to a poem by Rebecca Lindenberg, which I loved, and  I was fascinated by this disappearance of her love/poet Craig Arnold.  So in celebrating the poetry month and the birth month and the joy of purchasing a physical book, I bought Love, an Index. This was a very enjoyable experience and led me down all sorts of other roads briefly (like D.H. Lawrence and Robert Creeley). But, in the end, I was feeling a poem I bookmarked some time during last year's search:  "Of What is Real" by Richard Tagett.


End Feb

We were feverish and woke at odd hours.  Mike came from Pittsburgh to be with his aunt. Yvonne came from Los Angeles to be with her mom. J.P. lost sleep from the coughing. After we went to urgent care, I recognized him on 23rd Street by his cough. February tried to destroy us all again this year, and all we could do was cling together. We stared the month down and swept away the most objectionable of the dust bunnies.  Elena came from Seattle, and we talked about Lyon, we talked about our classmates, we talked about sex, and we talked about our families, the present and future children. We rearranged the furniture and inflated an aerobed for Mike, and we talked about wedding toasts.  I was stonato from being sick.  (It doesn't look the way I want you to hear it, the way my mother would say it.) That put me in a mood for documentaries, as if suspending disbelief would take too much effort; give me rationality, give me Helvetica.  Allison and Eliot called. The sun came out. I tried to run to the High Line, not realizing they close the park. I talked to the kids and Imme asked, "Where's Tia Becky?" Her theory was Tia was on an airplane.  (It was a good guess.)  Babies were born. Jack, Felicity, and they are just the newest ones. I lose track.


Goon Squad

Left me with lingering sadness over the innumerable ways in which we all fucked up.




Just checking in, folks! Here's what's been happening recently:

  • Work, obvi
  • I joined the NYCGMC! And the first concert I'm singing in is the Big Gay Sing 5.
  • This conversation:
    • "Her boyfriend is, like, 10 years younger than her."
    • "How did she do that?!"
    • "She's really beautiful."
    • "Does she have any tips? Does she drink coconut water? I've heard that's the secret."
  • Momofuku/6-year anniversary
  • HRG reunion dinner
  • Read some books
  • We have a TV.  It is not yet connected to cable or anything else.  We streamed the Super Bowl on my laptop. Lots o' Super Bowl ad conversations, not to mention monitoring in Tableau.
  • The apartment still kinda feels like a dorm. We have trouble bringing in the mail some days.
  • Jewel has a greatest hits album.  And on this album, she sings "Foolish Games" with Kelly Clarkson as a duet. It is not as good as I thought it would be.
  • I joined the library but then I think I locked myself out of my online account and now I have to go back in person to reset my pin or something?
  • I think it's about time to read Writing Down the Bones again.


Where I Was From

"Nobody else I know has a walk-in liquor cabinet." --sister Rebecca, on our parents


The Outs

For some gray day entertainment, watch The Outs.



1. Don't complain about calling local businesses on the telephone.

2. Take advantage of that gym you just joined; run a spring half marathon. Lose weight.

3. Learn more about the media industry, in particular digital. This probably means spending time outside of work to learn about work.

4. Gratitude as habit.

5. Go on vacation with J.P. Oh, also: get engaged.

6. Something creative??

7. "Now that takes care of our minds and bodies, but we should do something good for mankind or the planet for a couple of hours."

8. Print this list out.